I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize