um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
