I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
