My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Great sex, the promise of us mixing our excellent genetics in the future, and access to drugs are mainly what's holding this relationship together at the moment
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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