Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize