george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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