The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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