dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
