I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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