you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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