i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
