things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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