Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
