So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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