We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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