Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
