so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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