You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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