My nipple is on Facebook.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
