so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
