last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
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