You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Randomize
