the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
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