My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
