Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
