My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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