Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
