I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize