Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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