You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
We left an ass print on the piano.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I just want nice things and good sex
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
