Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
