The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
