come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
He kissed a someone with a penis
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
