They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Randomize
