So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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