We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
