I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
