My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Finally put clothes on I've been laying naked in the bed for approximately 4 hours since I showered and by showered I mean when I laid down in the bathtub with the shower on
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
