3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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