Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
