Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Randomize
