Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
