I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
