Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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