Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
