i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
