Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
