Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Randomize