I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
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