Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
