i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
