I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize