Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
