Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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