Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Using pot as a way to stop crying probably isn't a good sign huh?
Meh, some people pop Prozac, you smoke weed. Po-tay-to. po-tah-to
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
