Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
