peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
