We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
