I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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